Author: Kevin Voigt
The Asian Wall Street Journal - WEEKEND JOURNAL
Date: December 7, 2001

[Knowing how to work a room is an essential survival skill. Kevin Voigt gets a lesson from a master of the art.]

HONG KONG -- Esther Ma sashays into the cocktail party in a swank bar of the Island Shangri La hotel. With a glass of white wine in hand and a radiant smile, she air-kisses acquaintances and bowls up to strangers to introduce herself. No one seems to notice that Ms. Ma is gatecrashing. "With a smile and confidence, there's no party you can't get into," says the 36-year-old businesswoman, who has just talked her way into the invitation-only affair.

Ms. Ma has been refining the tricks of working a room for a decade or more, ever since her days at Columbia University when she boldly introduced herself to the legendary General Electric CEO Jack Welch, who was making a campus visit. "That felt really good to meet this big celebrity," she recalls. "It gives you a sense of satisfaction."

For Ms. Ma, who owns a public-relations and event-management firm, "my business is only as good as my contacts." Over the past four years she estimates that she has made 3,000 contacts on the party circuit. Good networking means being able to confidently introduce yourself to strangers, deliver a handshake without spilling canapes down your front, hold a stimulating conversation and escape politely if you're stuck with the party bore. It's so crucial that business schools have even begun to offer courses on it.

Ms. Ma can do all of the above, then leave a party with a fistful of business cards. But not everyone is so successful at it. So Weekend Journal decided to ask her a favor -- to help teach us how to be the life of the party. Recently, we donned a tuxedo to trail Ms. Ma as she attended a round of events in Hong Kong. Looking glamorous in a black designer dress, Ms. Ma walks into the chandelier-lit ballroom of the Island Shangri La for a black-tie awards dinner sponsored by the magazine PRWeek Asia.

As the room fills with the 300 guests for predinner cocktails, Ms. Ma spots Mark Johnson, PRWeek editor and event organizer. "Hello, Mark!" she says brightly as they embrace. And here's the evening's first lesson: know ahead of time who'll be there. As Ms. Ma demonstrates, one of the best ways to do this is to make contact with the host. Once you've met them, they can do the heavy-lifting, introducing you to the people you most want to meet.

Before a party, Ms. Ma likes to pump the organizer for information about any VIPs who might be attending. That way, she says, "I always have two or three people in mind who I'd like to meet." She suggests partygoers fish for more information when they ring organizers to RSVP.

Commonsense on the ground is helpful too. At the public relations awards dinner, Ms. Ma searches the seating chart for the names of people she knows -- and people she'd like to meet. "I'll use the seating chart to try to match the face with the name," she says. Even those she can't meet that night won't escape. She'll recognize them at the next party they're both at and introduce herself then, citing the dinner as common ground.

The Massachusetts Institute of Technology's Sloan School of Business, which offers a crash course on cocktail-party basics, recommends that guests arrive early to introduce themselves to the host and study the name tags at the entrance. The course goes so far as to suggest that if there's someone you'd like to meet, you should ask the organizers if you can give that person their name tag or clip a note to their name tag saying you'd like to meet them.

Meeting people is one thing, but making a good first impression is another. When you're juggling a glass, a canape and a business card, a little manual dexterity can stop spills from spoiling your chances.
The key thing to avoid is the "hip-slap handshake," cautions Diane Darling, president of Effective Networking, a Boston firm that coaches businesspeople on interpersonal skills. "Your hand gets all wet holding the glass, and then you have to slap it against your suit to dry it off." Add a plate of sushi to the equation, and you increase the odds that your food and drink will hit the floor, along with any chance of impressing an important business contact.

Etiquette International, a New York consulting firm, offers this juggling tip: Keep the napkin between the ring and little fingers of your left hand. Put the plate between the index and middle fingers, then put the bottom or stem of the glass between the index finger and thumb, using them to stabilize the plate.

Ms. Ma tested this method at an MTV Asia cocktail party at the Hong Kong Convention Center. With the napkin, a glass of red wine and plate of crab cakes, she still managed to shake hands without losing any of her aplomb.

Positioning yourself in the room can be important, too. The MIT course counsels students to loiter by the food table rather than the bar. That's because people tend to grab their drinks and move away from the bar, but they are more likely to linger near the food. Not only that -- people's endorphin levels are higher when they're close to food, which boosts their memory and the chance that they'll remember you later.

Ms. Ma's tactic is to position herself where she can see the door. There she can chat with other guests while watching for important faces among new arrivals. To avoid offending the people she is talking to by constantly looking over their shoulder, she keeps her body movements natural. She suggests that grabbing some peanuts from a cocktail table, or getting a refill of wine from a passing waiter, offers a natural break in which to watch the door and scan the room.

When you meet new people your opportunity to grab their interest passes with stopwatch speed. " You have 10 seconds to get someone's attention," warns Ms. Darling of Effective Networking.

What's the best way to do it? By talking about the subject they know and love the most -- themselves. Not only does a stream of questions lubricate even the most awkward conversation, but asking someone questions about themselves will make you stand out in their mind.

Ken Morse, who teaches the networking class at MIT, once tested this concept by planting five graduate students at a cocktail party for 120 people. The students were told to make no declarative statements, only to ask questions of the people they met. The following day, Mr. Morse surveyed people who had attended the party. Of all the guests, the five students were most remembered.
Ms. Darling advises people go to a party armed with three conversation starters such as, "where's a good restaurant in this part of town?" "are you going anywhere for the holidays?" and "where did you get your tie?"

"I always go with the tie question with men," she says. Recently, she tried it on a potential client. That led to a conversation about the trip to Britain where he bought the tie. They soon discovered they had mutual acquaintances in London. "My credibility shot through the roof, and all I did was ask him about his tie."

At the PRWeek dinner, Ms. Ma had the foolproof conversation starter: "What award are you here for?" Questions about their company and PR campaign flowed. "The conversation doesn't end in a dead-end, like if you ask `How are you?' Where can the conversation go from there?"

But what if your questions get you stuck in a conversation with a bore? Ms. Ma has a tactic to cope with that too. At the MTV Asia party, for example, she met three executives from the Mongolian Broadcast Co. After five minutes of struggling to understand their thick accents, she learned they had brought a gift for the party host. She then provided an introduction.

Ms. Ma doesn't see anyone as boring -- simply in need of matchmaking. "Always introduce them to someone else," she says. That way you make them happy, and escape without being rude. If that doesn't work, try excusing yourself on the pretext of making a phone call. "That way you can walk away, and legitimately re-enter the room without any awkwardness."

A chance meeting at a party hosted by Home Box Office, the U.S. cable channel, in the Island Shangri La hotel's tony Lobster Bar, showed just how much of a pro Ms. Ma is. As she moved through the loud and crowded room, someone shouted her name. Todd Miller, managing director of the television network AXN Asia, pushed across the room and hugged her. "Todd, it's been six years!" she exclaims.
With so many parties and contacts, how does she remember a face she hasn't seen in ages? It's a product of strict discipline. At 11:30 p.m. after two parties, Ms. Ma sat in her pajamas in her study and went through the 20 cards she had collected that day. On the back of each, she diligently wrote down information about each person. It's a nightly ritual. She notes the date, the event, the topic of conversation and any distinctive features: "beard," "short and fat," "wire-rim glasses," or "funny voice." The card goes into her card file with thousands of others.

How people remember her, however, is another story. After chatting for a moment at the party, Mr. Miller of AXN tells her: "You know, you changed my life." A meeting with Ms. Ma in 1995 had been instrumental in his decision to pursue a graduate business degree at Columbia, where Ms. Ma graduated with an MBA in 1992.

But making a good contact isn't dependent on a life-changing conversation. More routine assistance will do the job. If the conversation turns to vacations, suggest your favorite spot in Bali. If the topic of massage therapy comes up, offer to e-mail the person the number of your masseuse. Be a resource for them, and they will become a resource for you.

"It's not about walking out with 100 business cards, but getting the right business cards," Ms. Ma says. "If you . . . begin a new relationship, then the evening is a success."

Send comments to kevin.voigt@awsj.com

Tips for Party Survival

• Eat before you go so you can focus on the people, not the food, and avoid spillages.
• Pack a "cocktail party survival kit" -- a marking pen to go over your name card to make it easier to read, two cases for business cards (one for yours, one for theirs) a pen and breath mints.
• Decide what you hope to gain from the cocktail party before you go. That will help you from walking aimlessly around the room.
• Stand in good light near the food table, not by the bar.
• Drink water, juice or soda. Alcohol may add to your fun, but could lead to embarrassment if you drink too much.
• Ask the host to introduce you to people you'd like to meet.
• Ask questions -- avoid declarative statements. Go to a party armed with three innocuous questions such as, "Are you traveling during the holidays?"
• Always think of ways you can be of help to your new acquaintance.
• Keep each encounter between three and eight minutes. Longer than that, and you'll overstay your welcome.
• Send thank you notes to the people you have met within three or four hours of meeting.

Sources: Esther Ma; Ken Morse, MIT; Diane Darling, Effective Networking.

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